i can't believe that my insecurity is so deep-seated

and so driven by what you do or i don't see you do

on cyberspace

First achievement of the year accomplished: I swallowed my insecurity. Hence the strikeout.

(but since I'm not in denial I won't just pull the post off altogether either, if that makes sense.)

my parents.
usually they say an awful lot.
but their silence in the last few difficult days have been comforting.

thanks for bearing with me, Mi and Di.
thanks for understanding, somehow, in your own ways.

judging myself left right centre.
this is not good, that is not right.
you gotta do it better.
you have to change yourself.

be more like her.
do it the way he does.
see how she's done it.
look how he's got it.

you've gotta be more like him.
dress like her,
take photos like him,
act more gracefully like she
be more creative the way he is.

when am i ever gonna be good enough for me.
when am i ever gonna just answer to me.

everytime i start questioning myself i find that the one thing that holds me together is love, family and people.

so what do i want to do with the rest of my life?

an empty existence

i am not myself.
i don't know who i am anymore.

taking a week to figure what i want just makes me realise that maybe i want so many things that i can't choose. or i just plain don't know what i want to choose.


all i know is that i am not me anymore.

there is nothing that i can do that brings me any joy.

it is all one big mess.

Graduate also must pay ah?!

click to enlarge.

Oh and by the way, what's worse or more ironic depending on how you look at it is that there is potentially a ban on our results which means lo and behold despite the fact that 4/5ths of my family are already here to attend my graduation I may not in fact be able to graduate just because I can't get my results!

Pft.

the simple things.

this is possibly point 6:

I realised that with this new independence that I'm going to have to give up quite a few luxuries that I have grown accustomed to with having my parents financial backing.

And to be quite frank, that's quite liberating. To go back to the simple things in life.

Cause I know spending does not give me joy anymore.

Joy is the simple limau ais surprise I had waiting for him in the fridge last night. Joy is the simple macha ice cream session we had after dinner in his orange Mini in the middle of city nowhere tonight.

I became jaded for awhile this semester and thought that massages, facials and pedicures where the key to making me happy. Well with a sore back, a tense mind and a newly mended heart to be frank again, I remember when nothing made me happier than to give out freshly baked breads and cookies to friends. Or the sight of him taking a deep breath of the wafting smell of freshly baked goodies as he came through the door.

Joy is also when you have half an hour free to swing by a buddy's place to give her an encouraging, good-luck-you-can-do-it hug on a sunny afternoon. = )