shyn's

New

2012-01-17T22:38:00.000+11:00

And all it took was for one friend, an again many others, to say

I didn't deserve it.

Thank you my dearest friends,
It is a happy new year.

20-11

2011-12-31T04:47:00.001+11:00

Last day of 2011; what have you done, from where have you come and where have you gone. And then where will you be next going.

What is it gonna take?

2011-12-25T01:32:00.001+11:00

I miss going for walks.

Of learning

2011-12-13T02:55:00.001+11:00

Just as I was feeling uninspired and running dry, I found the perfect company as the accompaniment to the perfect day.

Nothing like a day of discovering and learning (and enjoying) the good, simple, old-fashioned way.

Thanks for the company and wonderfully wholesome day, guys. Makes this once-shattered heart swell whole again. : )

Diagrams were the stuff he looked for

2011-12-08T15:28:00.000+11:00

"So how are you finding teaching?"

"It's the best way to learn."

Thanks, Greg.

Another year

2011-12-08T06:12:00.000+11:00

Thankful for where I've been,
Thankful for how I've come from,
Thankful for how I have shifted,
Thankful for all the motions.

Wow
I've been through a lot.

Thanks, with love.

2011-12-06T04:01:00.001+11:00

Dear Mr Postman

2011-12-06T04:01:00.000+11:00

I don't know how you did it but thank you for stuffing my copy into the box.

No, I am not being sarcastic.

What a splendid way to end a splendid day.

overcoming

2011-12-05T04:07:00.000+11:00

"I need to get back to my unit"

terms 04

2011-12-05T03:41:00.002+11:00

Having said all that,

being in transition for nearly two years

is exhausting.

Without a focus

a solid direction

the mind is in constant question

constant evaluation

overworked

even when you're not.

What do you want to do?

Too many things.

What do you want?

Too many things more.

What means the world to you?

How can I tell you this in only so many words?

I know what I feel,
I know what I feel strongly about,

I don't know what I can give,
I don't know how well I can give it,
I don't know if I can survive on giving it.

But the life coaches say there's also what you don't know you don't know.
Question is,
Can I trust what I don't even know I don't know yet.

terms 03

2011-12-05T03:17:00.003+11:00

It all started on

13/11
Shyn, let's do the MACC stand-up in La Bodega okay?
Sure.

Whilst you're here, I'm going to do some shameless advertising for the Kings and Queens this Friday.
You in?
Hell yes.

16/11
So the bad news is... you've still got to come in for class tomorrow. The good news is.. that we'll just be chillin' and having fun in the studio.

17/11
This toast is to the semester, thank you for being brilliant students.
How on earth did you guys become such natural actors and filmographers??

18/11
ProcrastiNation
iPhone, iKan bakar. iPhone, iKan bakar.

18/11 (nightfall)
Kam, Mahbubhani, Ogata, Iskandar, Sammy.
You know we would have had more fun back in Bangsar.

19/11 + 20/11
Penang and nearly 10, 000 runners from dusk till dawn.
When you perform, you perform.

21/11
Miss Shyn (handing over biscuits and a can of 100 Plus), stop and eat first. It's late.

22/11
Yes Dad, so my flight tomorrow is at 7am which means I've gotta leave the house at 4am. No choice, it's the last seats to the show!

23/11
Now is the winter of our discontent,
made glorious summer by this sun of York.

23/11 + 24/11 + 25/11
Making sense of it all,
coming full circle,
standing tall and strong
anew.

On Jalan Membina.

And drama, give me life I need you drama.
Where do I begin?

26/11
Is this you?
Yes.
You don't look anything like the same person. Haha.
*I know huh*

27/11
I know you said you're tired, but after this stout I'm quite energised already.
Okay let's see if we can make it up till eight to catch breakfast at Antipodean.
*we didn't*

28/11
Borders before, Borders again.
Make that slow transition,
transition your identity,
to yourself
and those around you.
Sensible, sustainable, uncrashable, un-irrational.

29/11
Oh shit. I'll be in Singapore again this weekend.
Hah? We're coming back only on Monday? I can't! I've got my students' presentation on Monday!
*grumble grumble grumble*

Babe, it's Thirsty Tuesday at La Bodega.
I'm there.

4.30am, I'm still there.
And we part bruised.

30/11
Lying on the floor all day.
Bruised.
Aren't I supposed to be a slugging twenties workdog?

1/12
I start at two, finish at six. This is very unreal. And yet, the job is getting done, and I'm getting paid. So technically, nothing wrong except for the voice in my head, right?

Happy belated birthday,
please share this cake with me,
before I hit the dance floor
till past midnight.

Only to catch another round of social binks post-training till two.

Yes Dad, I will be packed way before 8.

2/12
I finished packing JUST before 8.
We leave at quarter to ten.
I snooze for a few.
We reach at quarter to three.
And I'm hungry,
mum's cranky.

Bathe my ears with sounds so joyous,
Melodious the hymns and the grooves,
turn me on, lay me down.
Oh wait, we're with company.

Where at the bridge?
Don't worry I won't miss you.
Hey.
Oh my god, I'm not used to you without glasses.
*see*

Whot?
*you and your boy Scot from Scot*

makes me think about what I've thought of all this while
and how it all sets into place
just by being gently blown away

3/12
three hours of sleep and I'm still the first to wake
so that we're the first to be seated.

an hour's wait
an hour's exhibit
an hour's trek
half a wait
and then dinner.
and half a year's recollection and reflection.

What did you buy?
Here have a look, but don't overreact.
OMG! Scot would love this!

And now I have to wonder, what it would be like to be jealous of a man. Is there another dimension to insecurity in being in the third dimension?

4/12
for as long as I continue to be inspired by this country shall I remain here.

I don't anymore.

I long for expression.
I've given up on ambition.

I want to focus on my craft.
Even if there isn't much to begin with,
because somehow for the last twenty years
I've successfully managed to find all the right reasons
to logically, wisely and practically put off
this 'foolish dream'

It's not foolish for me anymore.
It's real.

terms 02

2011-12-05T03:14:00.002+11:00

So whilst I was on a high and mesmerised by the play last week,

I made another sudden realisation:

I want to act.

Be corny and call it a calling,

or a reason to be in the spotlight,

but I can't blame me for always just wanting to be onstage.

Except for the fact that I've also been deeply scared to try,

although ironically I've performed enough in my life to not have stage fright.

So yes, I've decided since that I want to spend a better portion of my time focusing on dance and drama.

But then, is that my career? Is that my choice of earning a living?

Fucking terms.

terms 01

2011-12-05T03:10:00.002+11:00

Without discounting the amazing last few weeks I've had,

one has to wonder,

in order to make sense of moving forward,

do you have to look that hard backwards?

Sigh.

It makes no sense at all,

and yet one is expected to have some sort of sense.

This sense of taking more responsibility,

is more foreboding and debilitating,

than it is inspiring and motivating.

To the point where one prefers to succumb to familiarity and comfort,

never growing, never showing,

just to be safe from the inevitability of failing,

and disappointing.

It is truly nerve-wrecking.

"look closer"

2011-11-29T21:29:00.000+11:00

in the latent seediness of the night
past my half-cracked lens
through winded moments of a shattered mind

a cloud sleeps half past nine

torrential, experiential, colour me mental

Not that I quite understand what made me write this two months ago

2011-11-26T04:47:00.001+11:00

So completely hooked onto Kevin Spacey, I could stalk him outside Swissotel for the next remaining twelve hours that I'm here.

"silence"

2011-11-25T06:49:00.001+11:00

At the risk of sounding like a starstruck adolescent,

I am head over heels in awe (and love) of (and with) Kevin Spacey.

Busting over half a grand for a very sudden and impromptu trip to catch The Bridge Project's take on Richard III was wholly worth every Malaysian cent.

Zany, quick-witted and dry-humoured, the fellow is a brilliant actor.

Yes I am turned on by brilliance and genius.

"I find politicians fucking funny."
Pause.
Clasps mouth agape with a sudden comical realisation of the age group present, and with eyes ablazing (not with suddenness so much though I suspect, but more so an element of comedy which he is so gifted with and yet is not what he does transcend so often in his commercial movies).

"That's a slightly silly question given that I am nothing like a murderous bastard." - on being asked whether he bears any personality resemblances to the title character he plays.

"I don't sit in a corner and become Richard. I don't think beforehand. I just get in the seat at the start of the show, and I let the character take me from there. And sometimes it takes us to very interesting places." - on techniques used in playing the role.

"It is not for the applause, not for the cheer - it is for the silence.

When it is pindrop silence and you can sense all these people around getting the ideas.. to me, that silence is the greatest sound." - in what is the best thing about acting, I think.

sixthrtyfour

2011-11-19T04:38:00.001+11:00

I love cities in the dark.

Self-rescue

2011-10-30T22:25:00.000+11:00

Bought me a very good read today with my teacher's day voucher.

Saving myself and my sanity, one page at a time.

Note to self

2011-10-30T16:53:00.001+11:00

Competition and ego, please do not self-destruct my twenties and relationships.

Workspace

2011-10-30T03:33:00.002+11:00

Just sorting finances and travel logistics wipes out whatever energy is left in me.

That's it. I'm saving work for tomorrow.

After a solo brekkie, printer trekkie and finishin' up my six 8's.

Spark mail

2011-10-28T04:19:00.000+11:00

Are you neglecting your body?

Yes. And my mind and discipline and overall well-being.

Obligatory purgatory

2011-10-28T04:17:00.001+11:00

I'm admitting: it's taking me awhile to be (and feel) whole again.

But I'm getting there.

With a clear mind and sound heart.

Swing

2011-10-28T00:47:00.001+11:00

And just like that I'm depressed again.

Yea I do miss Melbourne

2011-10-27T22:18:00.004+11:00

Okay so we're getting there

2011-10-25T23:36:00.001+11:00

brome

2011-10-25T21:33:00.002+11:00

Okay,

so I've got my arvo caffeine fix

and my lil piece of NY with me

(in the form of the latest Vogue)

time to work some magic.

Let the games

begin.

Quirk y

2011-10-25T16:36:00.003+11:00

In a land of perfect and complimentary quirkdom,
someday.

As the small ones look up Big

2011-10-25T03:33:00.003+11:00

Training up inspiration, but sometimes the pessimist in me says that I shouldn't build up their hopes too high, should they crash. Or am I just being a disillusioned realist who's just trying to find her ground still after all this while? (Although to my credit, I am getting there, *smiles to self*)

"If you're not prepared to be wrong, you'll never be original." Sir Ken Robinson, from his now infamous '06TED talk on how schools are killing creativity.

Had Gillian Lynne never been instructed by her doctor to be sent to dance school, she would have been a fidgety 8 year old dismissed as having ADHD, thus probably leaving her and her parents frustrated as ever as to her academic and consequential career and professional future. But thank God for that wise doctor, she went on to have an illustrious career in dance (quoting that went she first stepped foot into the dance school she found where she belonged: among people who moved to think), not to mention to have choreographed Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats and Phantom of the Opera.

For the kids who are misread, for the kids who are uninspired, for the kids who simply have not been given the chance to explore their hidden inborn talents, or the chance to have them flourish.. may you never lose hope, may God guide you to explore the ultimate in you, to seek, and treasure and nurture the best in you, and may you then go on to inspire the world, and in turn, the best in others.

And may the economy and political climate of this country provide for you and feed your satiety in more ways than one.

Coming on easy.

2011-10-24T02:12:00.001+11:00

It wasn't easy, beginning with a guilty 3pm crawl-out-of-bed-with-tight-ankles start.

But at least I made it past the mental droll long enough for an intense couple of hours of more spring-cleaning (God, this was so much harder than the ones I ever did back in Oz). And boy did it pay off. So much ma now is to be felt, and so much more of present me is able to breathe within my designated workspace amongst the shared chaos.

Even with a 3pm start I managed to clear and clean, before heading out for dinner with the sibs (it's already that time in my life when my younger sib can take the wheel and I can, well, almost sorta, chill in the passenger seat), before grocery shopping for cheap decadences.

Cheap wine, cheap muesli, AND cheap berries? I lucked out.

Although, a part of me feels a tad guilty for consuming so many imported products. How to justify the embodied energy against worldly appreciation heh? Or is that a contradiction/paradox/oxymoron?

Screw that. I'm in the mood for a shave and tatt.

Found my French curves today

2011-10-23T04:26:00.001+11:00

After spending 6 years thinking someone stole then from me.

And I'd forgotten all this while that I had earned money being part of the founding editorial team of STEPS. all 540 ringgit doing secretarial work.

The things that you miss.

Inspired//reminder

2011-10-22T05:15:00.001+11:00

I do love what I do, it's just the motions and emotions of loneliness that I need to learn to ride out and wave everytime I feel it is a struggle.

Thanks for a lovely night of passionate banter, Keeran and Tanja. To two lovely and crazily intelligent individuals, coffee snobs, architectural entry exams, Eiffel, Lljubjana, shopping malls, heritage, politics, tourism and so much more.

2011-10-22T05:12:00.000+11:00

Cry

2011-10-21T23:40:00.000+11:00

Someone please save me
From the bleak beaker
That I have chosen to drink
Life and all of its partings

Motivation

2011-10-18T14:31:00.000+11:00

"motive to cause action"

"emotions as a business commodity"

"rational thinking won't get you out of bed, emotional thinking will."

2011-10-16T06:11:00.001+11:00

Check that ego at the door.

Stormy weather

2011-10-15T03:23:00.000+11:00

"I decided I would never open this book and chapter again. Not because it would drive me crazy, but because it would drive my kids crazy."

Iambic pentameter and Slate.

2011-10-15T03:20:00.001+11:00

2011-10-15T03:20:00.000+11:00

2011-10-15T03:19:00.000+11:00

Bleak

2011-10-13T21:50:00.001+11:00

Uurgh.

Headache.

It's a mad mad world

2011-10-13T04:18:00.001+11:00

But when you get up in the morning, and realize you have the power and the choice to create openings and clearings in the world and for yourself for possibilities and eventualities,

it becomes a very, very beautiful world.

Transpire, inspire. One moment, one day, one step at a time.

2011-10-13T04:16:00.000+11:00

I do art. I be artist.

2011-10-09T03:37:00.000+11:00

I do things to touch people. Not to impress them.

A month ago, I got extremely peeved when an uncle questioned my choice of currently teaching instead of practising. "You can't take hardship", "You need to stick it out".

Those comments I can take somewhat.

But what he said spun me into a rage and internal tirade of fury.

"Why? You want to be artist is it? I know la you want to be an artist. Sorry ah make fun of you."

I hardly say this to an elder relative: but fuck you.

Fuck you for being so little, fuck you for being small-minded, fuck you for paving even more littleness to those everywhere in this valley and everywhere in the county who is inspired by art and inspired to do art: be it design, literature, music, dance, drama, visual or in any other form.

Fuck you for belittling the industry.
Fuck you for belittling the craft.
Fuck you for thinking there is little or no intelligence or intellect involved in art.
Fuck you if you think that people who turn to art turn to it because it's the easy way out of working in an office cubicle for a living.

But most of all, fuck me for not having let go of it by now, and for having it get to me and belittle my intelligence, my skills and my craft, inborn and required both over the years, succumbing to an internal insecure mindpath even when I'm teaching and guiding and ought to have been switched on for my students at all times instead of internalising my self-pity.

Get out a bit more.
Open your eyes.
Choose what you listen to.
Choose to see an alternative.
Choose to accept that there can be an alternative.
Choose to not fear that there is no absolute truth.

I choose what I have. And by God, I know I'm happy not knowing what the outcomes and the definitions are.

Midnight recollection

2011-10-08T04:47:00.001+11:00

Being back in Dad's hometown, I recalled the first time I was homesick. I was eight. I didn't miss home, I missed my books.

Connecting the dots

2011-10-08T03:36:00.001+11:00

"..you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future."

"Had I gone -- I'd be a very different person. Hmm." - f

Heeren, Jonker, Stadt, Huys.

Yes I see things differently especially because of the way my life has unfolded: events that have taken place, people I have met, texts I have read, movies I have watched, places I have been to; and ultimately how I have and still am coming into being.

And life never fails to seem infinitely amazing to me when I do take the time to pause and look back at the dots.

Rembrandt.

I hope I don't forget how to pronounce my Dutch vowels.

Goede navond.

Today in key words

2011-10-08T02:36:00.001+11:00

Quantifiable
Dogma
Present
Relevant and irrelevant
Connecting the dots
Jobs
Courage
Articulate
The sixties
Random
Collaborate more
Familiar face, voice, accent, smiles

Frivolity
Superficiality
Alienation
Isolation

The inability to relate and connect and interact

Jobs

2011-10-06T14:30:00.001+11:00

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

Thanks for changing the world - transforming my life and music in 2005, and the way I communicate and get around since 2010. Rest in peace.

Authentic

2011-10-03T01:58:00.001+11:00

I should do myself a favour and transform my jadedness and disillusion of what life post-studies should be. Expectations - they can really bring you down.

And my inferiority - I hold on to it, clinging to it for God knows what reason. I talk myself into believing hat it is am outcome of sheltered upbringing, but who am I kidding, parents' caring and loving and wanting to know is one thing, the persistence of dependence on my part is another. It's my life, my actions, my claims, my responsibility, and it all falls upon my intentionality.

If my intent is there and is strong, I can do it. Anyone can do anything and everything they set their mind to. I have been underestimating the power a single being possesses, and subsequently undermining my own.

Twenties doesn't have to be a bore, neither a chore. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I look forward to the simplicity and abundance of a lot more.

The reality of melancholy // the melancholy of reality

2011-10-03T01:50:00.001+11:00

Inner turmoil
Rejection
Dejection
Expectation
Resistance

Focus
Discipline
Hardship
Personality
Character
Positivity

2011-10-03T01:48:00.001+11:00

Expenditures

2011-09-29T22:46:00.000+10:00

And all this while I thought it was just a struggle of growing up an being responsible and mature, when really it was all just about a two-year long emotional repercussion from being left feeling unloved, unwanted and lonely?? LMAO.

I should be spending more then and doing so without feeling so motherfucking guilty!!

Pardon my French. It comes withthe lightbulb moment.

*cheeky grin*

It's all about the wordplay

2011-09-28T02:24:00.001+10:00

"..latent and lazy sloth of an amateur poet having a go at late-night wordplay."

"Potty-mouth, poker-face, pocket-sized positive pessimist."

Sensory overload

2011-09-27T18:40:00.001+10:00

9am bleeping, my senses were ignited as I navigated myself through the very gender- and foreign nationality-dominated streets near central KL today.

Sensory overload it was, from being very self-conscious of my projected image and identity, to loud vehicular traffic, crowded walkways, blaring radios, colourful but sun-worn ware and signages, uneven road paths, and potentially murderous cross-road junctions. All experienced under the glaring afternoon sun.

Inspired from the experience though. It reminds me of how little I know about my home city and home country. How little I truly experience the core of it, and all of its rich yet very strange components. I came back with a purpose to know them, to understand them, and to raise that understanding objectively and attractively.

And now I'm in the other side of the valley, enjoying coffee in a well-designed environment (wondermilk is providing me wonder inspirations for my bangku commission!) but before that, text-editing to be put down pat in less than an hour.

I will learn to work efficiently and use my time well. For financial purposes and smarts really lol.

And I haven't even worked you in on the purpose of my trip to the city: a two-plus hours long in-the-zone brainstorming and consulting session. Awe-bloody-some.

2011-09-27T18:33:00.001+10:00

The society of paranoia

2011-09-27T05:49:00.003+10:00

Bernice Chauly - What brings people together? from Super Everything on Vimeo.

"We can't live alone. We have to live in a society, we have to function as a society.." Bernice Chauly

"Love each other, or perish" Morrie Schwartz

"Overcoming fear, is one of the biggest challenge of society." I've been going around making this rather big claim in the last few months that we are a nation and society of fear and paranoia. Guess I wasn't the only one realising this.

It doesn't help that the media is saturated and focused on distracting us with this fear, fueling and encouraging what most politicians are already hoping to do with this public indoctrination.

Flip to page 3, rape case in rubber tree estate. Page 4, acid-splashing in yet another metropolitan part of the valley. Page 5, grandma slashed as she gets into her car.

Mind you, it is not that I am that detached or that I am inhuman altogether, I do sympathise with the victims and hope for the better in the crime rates in this country will see a decrease sometime soon(er, one hopes). But surely that can't be all that is to be reported. We maybe a small nation, yes - but don't belittle us or the other significant events that take place in our daily lives.

Is it really such a wonder that social media such as Facebook, Twitter and blogs are all the hype here and seem to have taken on a cultural phenomenic twist of their own in comparison to their western user counterparts (and founders)? People rely on social media so heavily in this country because of the transparency. Because we have been driven to engage and share with one another otherwise, or remain segregated under the subtle (well, it's really increasingly being shot to pot) nuances of public media.

Gated communities, safe havens of shopping malls, and fighting back are not the ways to go. Let's just first of all try to drop the fear, and continue in believing in the universal good and spirit of togetherness that is by the grace of God naturally embedded in all of us Malaysians (trust me as a fellow Malaysian who's never had trouble picking up conversation with fellow yet stranger countrymen abroad just by the familiarity of our accents and slangs that seem so homely on foreign soil).

I believe in the power of transformation - that it has happened, that it is happening, and that it will continue to occur.

Don't be afraid of what you don't know. Be educated and informed.

Where is Jesse?

2011-09-26T18:16:00.001+10:00

Daydream delusion,
limousine eyelash,
oh, baby with your pretty face,
drop a tear in my wineglass,
look at those big eyes,
see what you mean to me,
sweet cakes and milkshakes,
I am a delusioned angel,
I am a fantasy parade,
I want you to know what I think,
dont want you to guess anymore,
you have no idea where I came from,
we have no idea where we're going,
launched in life,
like branches in the river,
flowing downstream,
caught in the current,
I'll carry you, you'll carry me,
that's how it could be,
don't you know me?
don't you know me by now?

Delusion Angel by David Jewell

I believe

2011-09-26T09:41:00.002+10:00

God is testing me. And I will be stronger than this. For I will come out stronger than that.

Promptu

2011-09-26T08:19:00.002+10:00

Saturday: street dance festival // last minute Readings run with a hun // SuperEverything screening and Twitter madness with young guns in Publika

Sunday: bumping up at 3 // tea-time and lengthy conversations with an old pally // last-minute dinner call with yet another old pally that ended up being what, three courses, two wines and four hours of chatter?

Baby steps to joy. Baby steps to finding my footing. Baby steps to finding my balance.

Even if the old pally asks me to reconsider my current career choice out of pure heart and love.

Granted

2011-09-24T04:52:00.001+10:00

One of those awesome days that I should be thankful for. Maybe all I have to do is make sure I rise early to set my days straight.

To be elaborated more later. Headstand first. Oh and a shower too.

Stagnate, overcontemplate

2011-09-21T23:11:00.000+10:00

Complacency

My mind holds me back again.

It's the same old story, played like a broken record. Any remedies for an over-reactive, over-critical and judgmental mind that I let get the better of me?

I know I'm better than this.

The morning that broke in Amsterdam

2011-09-20T06:49:00.001+10:00

It's been a year since I last rang you
Back when your voice still had the power to calm
And soothe my frayed nerves
Anxious from the loneliness, and hardiness to fend
You called me the most amazing being you've met
And yet you've since found another
You call she your dearest
And beckon that she be with you near
The heart weeps no more
No tears but wounded scars
The fear drapes itself languidly from time to time
Holding a pose so artful, it takes awhile to expose and uncover
Moments I hold dear and alone
As I travel and walk the city streets of my mind
They are just as wistfully lit
As when we used to traverse them hand in hand
The future holds more for either of us
And you have already found some of your callings
But as mine may take some time more to discover
I still thank you and treasure,
For the memories held within their chamber.

love

2011-09-20T00:40:00.002+10:00

"we sing because we can't speak anymore,
dance is an extension of that:
we can't speak anymore

so we move."

Fashion, Food, Music, Reads

2011-09-19T02:31:00.002+10:00

"As I’ve mentioned before, I think some people have lost the thread on how to relate to fashion shows. Shows aren’t something that should make you feel bad about not being able to afford what you’re seeing, or not looking like a model. Instead, they should just be pure inspiration for color, silhouette, genre, pattern matching…and DIY projects." Scott Schumann

So many things to do, so little time.
I'm scurrying for inspiration - "this country is built to keep you out".
I know I'm supposed to live in the present, but what is a girl to do when the present isn't feeding you the way you want to be fed?
Will I constantly be dealing with this internal struggle between what is home and what home feels like?

"This constant fear: is it insanity or just ambition?" Alain de Botton

Postscript: James Franco is dead sexy. And I'm saying this only after reading that he's done a degree, written, and done art. Not after watching him in Spiderman. Read it the way you want.

Love life

2011-09-18T01:40:00.002+10:00

Mraz never fails to help me get my zest for livin' all mojo-ed up.

That and good fashion and good coffee.

The trappings of musings and mental stimulation

2011-09-17T23:53:00.001+10:00

After moping around for over a weekend a half, you can imagine my mental and emotional relief and uplifting when I awoke to an enlightening realisation: it's not me, but I do need to be happy, and I need to stop waiting around for the ball labelled Happiness to drop (ie waiting around for the perfect income, perfect apartment, perfect job, perfect partner) for life to be perfect enough for me to enjoy.

It's just now.

So you can imagine my happy day around town today. Traipsing around in gypsy theme today (I borrowed my mum's purple gypsy vest to go over my sundress, the last time I wore it I was twelve and performing for my primary school headmistress's farewell).

From a lazy lunch and long coffee de-whine session with a girlfriend over the doom and troom of twenties turmoils, to sourcing inspiration from fashion to books and magazines (MUSA I'mma be back in less than a week's time to get my plastic foot candy), to bumping into an old pal from high school and having THE BEST arvo coffee session KL has seen yet.

Mental stimulation it definitely was, Jo. And am superbly excited about Thursday and other prospects to come.

On a side note, Art Friend in Gardens, Village Grocer in BV and Jaya Grocer in Empire totally rock my socks off.

Sunshine then rain, life I'm falling in love with you again.

Hello, lover.

"i just realised that i've gotta be in love with me, and in love with life again"

You say you see
When you look at me
A reason you love life so
Though lost I have been
I've found love again
And life just keeps on running
And life just keeps on running
You look at me and life comes from
You.

2011-09-17T23:30:00.000+10:00

RMtwo and lifts

2011-09-16T04:16:00.000+10:00

A couple of hours passed by before I realized I so richly entrenched in doing and training that I had not had a sigle thought.

No "am I doing this right?"
No "can I even do that"
No "is she better than me"
No "oh my god we made eye contact again"

Just solid training.
From six 8s, to speedy choreography learning, to just trusting and lifting. Well, actually for us girls it was about being lifted into the air and knowing how to roll or land safely onto firm ground should any mishaps happen.

Trusting without thinking.

Just setting your mind into focus and that frame of mind, that 'just do' mindset, and getting to it.

And being in the zone.

The company helps. I joked with my dance manager that our ab workout today was not from the training, but from the many laughter that ensued from mishaps, mischief and all around good-humored misdemeanours.

Today was all kinds of awesomes.

Thanks, SDC. It's only been a month but I love you guys.

Held back fear

2011-09-13T06:38:00.001+10:00

To the fear of trying, failing and making mistakes, and a culmination of that with failing to uphold my own word and practise what I preach (read: another fear, this time of being a hypocrite)-

To movie stars who've had major movie flops, anyone from the talented Cate Blanchett, Gwyneth Paltrow or the more commercial JLo, who were still nevertheless unfazed by it, dusted themselves off and went on to make even bigger hits to wipe the slate with.

It gets to a point where of you keep holding on to old successes, they end up holding you back, and pretty soon, noone's gonna even remember what they remembered you for in the first place.

Toss and turn

2011-09-13T06:28:00.001+10:00

Three weeks on, maybe it's only now that I'm acknowledging that yes, it is getting to me. Or it gets to me. Either way.

Not that I'm not happy for the two. I still maintain that I have nothing but happiness to wish them, and that under any circumstance I don't see it happening any other way.

But I guess the series of events has forced me (or just automatically shifted my focus without me really realizing that it had) to re-evaluate my position in life at present. And just as I had attained some form of balance, sense of empowerment and self-confidence.

And in a state of perpetual near-threat, that morphed into a sense of teetering off the edge again, a freefall directionless spiral, and an overall state of over-compensating arrogance to make up for the self-pity and self-drowning misery.

Needless to say, I haven't been a very nice person to be with in the last couple of weeks.

I've alienated friends, put off family, cut off colleagues.

Warding off life, as one might say.

"Marriage is not about loving the perfect person.
It is about having the perfect heart to love the imperfect person."

If that is so, I drink to two perfect hearts whom have found their imperfect partners to hold and to cherish for the rest of their lives. For as long as your hearts are perfect, I know you will lead the most imperfect and yet perfect lives together. Thus, to the perfect couple. : )

On a self-relating note, if perfection is having the perfect heart to love an imperfect person, what is it to love am imperfect self. Would it startle you if I said I didn't think I am lovable until I am wholly perfect? I mean that quite literally.

As I type this, I believe I have a list of at least ten things to fix within myself (physically and characteristically) before I deem myself worthy of love, or any worth at all for that matter. Maybe that's why I even struggle with the notion of work performance. I simply don't believe in myself. I simply can't yet accept myself. I simply have at least ten things I need to change or improve myself so I don't disgust or surprise myself everytime I look in the mirror.

Vanity, narcissism, hedonism or simply insecurity at play here?

Well, it's keeping me up at 4.22am in the morning. And it's running a migraine that has already gone on more than twelve hours strong.

Why can't I seem to have the faith that everything will fam into place as it needs to on it's own again? Without my every bit of meticulous control and planning?

Why can't I seem to have the trust in myself that I can indeed do it. I can achieve my dreams and I ought to not make others wrong for suggesting I take the conventional road and yet, just follow my instincts and sway to the beat of my own drums simply because. This is what I wanted my life to be, right? This is what I've always wanted right? Even if it doesn't seem to be exactly as I envisioned it to be or feel, I've gotta keep going. I've just started dippin my toes in the pool, I'm not backing out now.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

I will get there eventually, I know I will.

It might take me awhile, but better late than never, better happy than sorry.

Toast.

Geram gempak

2011-09-11T22:28:00.001+10:00

I can't speak
I can't hear
I can't breathe right
I've got so many thoughts in my head I can't think straight.

So you best be on your best behavior or just simply avoid me altogether for the next week or two cause I am at my worst.

You have been warned.

Transform

2011-09-11T02:45:00.001+10:00

'don't let past mistakes hold you back from living your life now.'

I miss you, Arthur and David. And Amsterdam on the whole.

2011-09-06T15:02:00.000+10:00

Nip this bud
Over the gap

Shall we Dansu?

2011-09-05T02:46:00.000+10:00

Best holiday yet

2011-09-02T20:01:00.000+10:00

From Kuan.fm, to basking in the sun as the wind blows through your hair, Cheezels, fried chicken and the gorgeous slurping sound of water sloshing about you as you kayak from an end of the lake to the other.

Mind over matter.

"Why do you always have to think so negatively?"

'I can do it.'

Switch off, turn off, laugh your abs off, sing 'mutton' in harmony.

So glad I'm home before the next phase.

2011-09-02T20:00:00.000+10:00

Thick thoughts

2011-09-01T08:46:00.000+10:00

"I don't usually put it out there unless I'm pretty sure it's coming back."

"She's hot - in a Liz Lemon sorta way."

Distracting, destructive demons begone!

Break

2011-08-31T19:01:00.000+10:00

The cycle.

The negative voice can be left alone, unhindered.

I can make me happy, without that being in control.

I've done the best I can, had the best fun I could have, but now I'm missing out by thinking, mulling and wondering.

Mind out, happy in.

2011-08-31T18:59:00.001+10:00

Ju-das

2011-08-31T06:33:00.001+10:00

It's ridiculous how much I'm inspired and shaped by..

2011-08-30T16:08:00.001+10:00

"I suppose it's more emotional confusion that is being wrangled by the reasoning of my rational mind."

Inflect

2011-08-30T15:42:00.001+10:00

How do emotions come about? How do feelings surface? Can they lie dormant over the longest period of time ever only to reveal themselves in pure form or perhaps even transformed?

How is it that assumptions can send someone so awry, or even tangle a friendship cold and shy,
How is it that now even as my spirits run dry, I sit here still sifting through emotions by the by.

And what is it that I even begin to tell you, should my reasons finally leave me be; how would you even begin to respond - I think that's the bit I fear the most. But what if again how I think you'd respond is only a reflection of my bitter and shallow assumptions of you (that now with time and clear eyes are being eradicated so lightfully), then what have I got to withhold?

Would you slam me down
Would you pick me up
Or would you just hold me
Even of it is potentially more that I want.

It's the hardest thing to say,
should I say it at all?

slither

2011-08-30T05:12:00.006+10:00

pale eyes
blond hair
inked up dark
don't think too much
Just do and just be.

Ganggu - part deux

2011-08-29T19:14:00.001+10:00

What do you do when you suddenly find yourself immersed in a whirl of emotions, partly because you finally allowed yourself to feel them.

Whether it was already lying dormant for the last few years, or if it was never there till May, I don't quite know.

But when it did surface, it was a powerful surge. Yet only in the manner of my recognizing what a beautiful being you were (and still are), and for all of the past in which I read you wrong, and for all of what it was worth, the acknowledgement of your beauty sufficed for me at the time, even if the love and awe I did feel did throw me off a little already then.

But then what of now?

What of the closeness yet distance,
What of the oneness yet disparateness,
What of the similarities yet differences,
What of what is real and true, to that which is seemingly in my mind, and then my heart?

What do I do next?

Terganggu, terpisah, terpaksa, mengharap.

Ganggu

2011-08-29T00:34:00.000+10:00

2011-08-28T02:40:00.001+10:00

I don't anymore,
But I will still always love you.

Thanks for all the smiles
Hugs
Fondness
And memories

Here's to your new ones to come
And to all of your happiness.

May God bless you two
In all that you do
And all that comes your way

With all the happiness and love in the world
From your dear friend.

: )

Thank you for being a 'valuable dent'

2011-08-28T02:35:00.000+10:00

All in a Day's Work (or a few hours more like)

2011-08-17T22:20:00.002+10:00

And now I need a beer.

with cred to Faiz Akhbar

2011-08-16T02:03:00.001+10:00

I never thought in my life, i had to teach someone to read a ruler. Thank god for my masters degree.

2011-08-14T06:17:00.001+10:00

Wednesday record

2011-08-11T03:32:00.000+10:00

A twelve hour work, post-guilt scream fest and two choreos (one audition to) down.

Phew.

Invitation

2011-08-10T02:51:00.000+10:00

Oh my god I'm gonna need to br as thick-skinned and focused as possible tomorrow.

Please wish me luck.

If

2011-08-09T19:31:00.002+10:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

Recap week 01 of 26

2011-08-08T01:12:00.006+10:00

So this is how my first week of being twenty six went:

- fresh off the heels of meeting Harveen (a lovely ol bud from high school, the kindest and most genuine dear ever) for a banana leaf lunch, more friendly meet-ups were followed promptly by

- brunch with KH. A lengthy one fueled by yummy coffee and lovely sun-basked views of the KLCC lake at Ben's (Pheebs, I reckon this can be our new hangout next time round. ; ) )

the big question we all would like to address in our times of twenties-uncertainties, no?

- aand, a very impromptu dinner and drinks with an even older buddy, Mun Leng. Free cocktails! Free cocktails!! Yes, we girls got real buzzy and relaxed for a Wednesday night.

thanks for the dinner! (we'll thank the bar for our drinks)
ben's again and mpo next!! can't wait!!

- not to mention that the day of my grand turning itself, well, at the stroke of midnight I danced. And for a solid half hour again on the day right in the heart of the city, I danced again. Danced with strangers and new friends. And actually, the day after that (which was also the day KH and I feasted in KLCC) I danced again with my new pals. A whole lotta dancing, and a whole lotta meeting new people. Contentment sums it up.

- first week of full-on teaching. 8 to 8 twice a week. It blows me through and through and wipes me out. But it's worth it. Especially when it leads to situations whereby:

- I get commissioned to design a piece of public furniture. And meet a local architect whom I've been attempting to hound and contact for over three years now. And meeting her did not let me down. I didn't feel anything. I wasn't stunned, wowed, or overwhelmed. I'm not sure why, but I just felt nothing, even though there is a lot about her to be wondered by.

- and finally, after a well-rounded work week running about, meeting more people and working my butt off in a different way to being bound by an obligatory office chair; the week was capped off by my family and I collecting the prize I'd won for my mum in a Mother's Day contest. (yes, so the story is I joined this contest for the fun of it and apparently come out tops.

mum was so content with her gift,
she hugged it practically all night long
with this beaming smile spread across her face

*heart melt*

see what i mean?

Unfortunately and most unceremoniously though, despite plans to attend a launch of a sought-after apartment block and following my dad for exercise possibly for the first time in my life ever, I came down with yet another fest of diarrhea and colic. I've been nursing myself well.

I had Bubur Ayam MacD.

Grin.

Oh oh! And how could I forget how happy my Comme des Garcon leather purse has been making me all week long! I hope that I can still sniff the scent of its luscious leather in all time to come still. Gah, beating heart be still over its orange goodness.

Thankful for the week (though I'm really only highlighting the good bits, there were some downs that are honestly just plain overshadowed la), for the people, for the company, for every single blessing, big and small.

And here's to the coming week, for us all!

campus works:
students spread across sketching onsite
after free-lunching with my colleagues. lol.

Twenty years on

2011-08-06T00:38:00.000+10:00

End. Begin.

2011-08-02T02:50:00.001+10:00

"With hope. Love should end with hope. Hope is what guides me through the day and night."

The beauty of calamity

2011-07-31T01:49:00.000+10:00

2011-07-31T01:48:00.001+10:00

Night scene

2011-07-31T01:07:00.000+10:00

"What is he looking for, Dad?" the little boy asked of the scrawny dark stranger who seemed determined to unearth a surprise from each bin that lined the busy and crowded footpath, as if there was gold to be discovered at the very bottom.

The father pulled his young son to his side, "Now now son, let's not stare, it is rude to." But the little boy could not help himself, part to incomprehension, and part to curiosity.

Passers-by, them tourists and shoppers, kept on walking, were they feigning ignorance, or were the lights and bustle of this chaotic city the cause of their determined distraction?

Drivers and passengers that sat rooted to their spots in the standstill traffic watched him on, from the comfort and seclusion of their vehicles the scene unravelled not like that of a silver screen arthouse drama.

Was he an addict?

Was he a homeless scavenger?

Why was he only collecting unfinished drinks in their cans, polystyrene cups and plastic bags?

Or was he just mentally eccentric?

As he fished about, his dark skin glowed with sweat, the flashing lights and immense traffic of pedestrian and vehicles surrounding were to him invisible.

Some hearts were perhaps strained, which kept all curiosity fueled. Some eyes were caught glancing furtively, some from the safety of a mask, lens or window looked on, all wondering.

He suddenly felt a wad of paper being thrust into his hand amid the strain of the plastic bag handles that were already biting into his skin. As he looked up past the five ringgit note folded into his palm, all he saw was a quick but genuine smile, as the lady then hurried on into the crowd.

Oi, oi! he yelled out hoarsely, yet not weakly, and as she turned around briefly to his calls, they exchanged an even briefer nod of acknowledgement. Of the act of kindness and generosity, and on the act of hope and goodwill.

One by one the eyes slowly turned away, and unbeknownst to her as she moved through the sea of people, were the hearts she had settled, the hope she had birthed, that amid all the sad and harried calamity of the world, a single humble seed of kindness can be planted, leaving the room for more to be nested, for an even kinder tomorrow.

Luscious day

2011-07-30T20:56:00.001+10:00

"To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all of the miseries of life" - William Somerset Maugham.

To think I was feeling lonely the last few days. With the fb wishes from across the seas, being part of a three-hundred heavy dance mob and now indulging in reads and good coffee (I've found me a new haunt with the best quiche and latte!), am feeling very blessed and very loved and very thankful to be alive.

It's a great time to be alive.

Mojo for the next semester, switched on!

And on a separate note, I think I want to move into the heart of the city. The city is a little maddening and chaotic most of the time, but man what a buzz.

Birthday entry twenty six

2011-07-30T05:29:00.000+10:00

The clock struck as I sat in a hall filled with over a hundred people. In my first hour of twenty-six, we danced our hearts out.

It's the human condition to feel the inevitable, palpable emptiness that is loneliness.

But in a room full of strangers, I smiled, recounting the 365 days to the night a year ago, and now I wonder what's in store for the next 365.

What was my wish again?

I think it had to do with change.

I forget.

Happy birthday me.